I wanted to write this book in a weekend

But already two weekends have happened

Since I began

Living up to my standards of failure

I wonder how many thoughts

Of suicide I’ve had

You’d think such a mountain

Would be enough to crush

My ribs down into my lungs like

Needles popping balloons

Because the party is over

But NOPE!

Here I am, baby,

I hate

myself & want to die, I hate

myself & want to die

Are the words I keep seeing

On the T-shirt waving  

Across the sky of my brain

Like a dark

Memorial flag my father

Laced my dreams

Last night with the flash

Of his chemical smile

His walk as King

Of everything best

So now I judge men

By the way they move in public

How many people they draw

To them like magnets

Never mind the dark

Corners of the home

I’m used to curling up

Into something so small

My father could flick me

Across the room like a smoked

Cigarette & 

Who notices

The absence

Of a cigarette

If I light a cigarette

And stick it in my ear do you think

I could smoke my father out

Do you think that would make me

Hate myself more

Or less?       Sometimes I don’t

Hate myself so much

Friday night I ate sushi

On a rooftop in the city

Among other people

And thought I’d like

To be like them

Someday

The person sitting

Across

From another

Person

I want to be the light

That reflects off your teeth

When you laugh

And wonder if I’m ridiculous

For wanting to affect

Your existence

So positively

For expecting

My tongue

To be able to mouth

Anything other 

Than ash