When people come to me I want them to feel like they are standing at the edge of a lake. I want to be reflective like that, cool like that, calm like that. When they touch me I want them to feel infinite and not because of me but because of them. I want you to love yourself, why don’t you love yourself, who’s been stopping you all these years?

I study neuroscience and know we are infinite. There are a trillion neural pathways in each of our brains, it’s no wonder we feel lost, it’s no wonder we always find ourselves anyway, blinking up at the light like the children we fear we still are.

We still are.

I want to love myself but first I have to find her/ what was ever found that wasn’t fueld by love? Curisoity/ the desire to know/ to know/ to undo the fear that keeps us from ourselves/ each other.

I got so close to you, it was like living inside you, all those chains rattling against your insides. I picked so many of your locks/ you let me touch everything except for you.

I gave you everything, including me, like a mother I loved you unconditionally/ is there any other way to love/ if there is I don’t want to know it/ I need to know it.

I cannot let you rape me I cannot let you rape me I cannot let you rape me/ you raped me/ I won’t unsay it because you can’t undo it.

But still. This bundle of axons I’m always toeing along, this imaginary tie to you/ madness/ how are these feelings any less real than when I said I loved you/ how are you actually any further away? So much of what we built was invisible/ so much of what you destroyed was invisible/ still, all of this matters.

I am tired of not being known/ touched/ able to exist in all my human parts. I keep telling people I am mangled from the inside out but I never actually show them/ myself/ hold myself.

I’ve clung to my truths as a way to avoid other truths. This poem was once as true as this poem and I am both of them and neither and more all at once. “I contain multitudes” lol but really it’s true. There is no room for nuance and there is room/ I have to make room/ secretly/ I am it.  

Everything I do is in service to someone else, an addiction to being needed/ useful. I try to break this cycle and all my illusions break away/ I am left with myself/ nothing.

I slip into this pain and think of you curled up like an infant on the floor in your apartment because the cap to your water bottle didn’t click three times/ or maybe it did/ how can you know/ I don’t know/ the water/ the water/ the germs. They really are everywhere. I used to suspect you were magic for being able to sense them/ this magic thinking of mine/ this is how I built you/ loved you.

Don’t mistake these words as me saying yes. I refuse to be ping-ponged from one side of the dichotomy to the other/ I am not an object, after all/ I object/ I am infinite.

I am a person. The danger is that I project my inner self onto others/ when I humanize myself I cannot help but humanize you/ love you/ myself. I need all of these things to be okay/ I need to have my needs met/ I need to learn how to say no as a way of saying yes/ to myself/ you/ the part I never reached.

I write as if you are inextricable from me/ maybe this is a truth/ a lie to distract me from other truths.

I don’t actually know.

I sit down against the wall and hug my knees to my chest like the child I feel that I am. This is what she needed/ needs/ this is where she is. Go there, I say to myself, and I realize I say it only to myself.

For most of my life I didn’t know how to say no to anyone because I imagined everyone as the babies they once were/ everyone as innocent/ everyone as hurting. This is selfish pacifist thinking/ this was me projecting/ this was a cry for help coming up from the depths of me/ every person became a mirror for the unloved self in me/ I just never learned how to recognize her.

Still sometimes I don’t recognize her/ she is not always a her/ but she is something/ she is holding me now. I hug myself and become her/ she becomes my guide. I close my eyes and show her my thoughts, how often I think about leaving, those thoughts like fiberglass, they insulate me.

She looks at me and says No. She doesn’t even beg, her voice still like the lake I want to be/ she knows I want to be/ she knows I will listen. She just has to say it/ I just have to listen. I will listen.

I am listening, still. Stay.

hey writing community how about we ‪#‎tbt‬ to that time Kat Dixon made a domestic violence relief fundraiser and then we all forgot about it ‘cause idk why.

I was forced to forget about it by the man himself but idk why everyone else forgot.

also to everyone who donated to the initial fundraiser I made for him – I am so very sorry and wish I could give it all back. I am in the process of writing about all the things. you all deserve to know.

psychiatryproblems:

THIS IS A REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT POST ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS. PLEASE READ. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ, THEN AT LEAST RE-POST SO THAT SOMEBODY ELSE CAN READ IT.

Depression is NOT: feeling sad, or being upset because your mom wouldn’t buy you that thing you really, really wanted.

Depression IS: a disorder characterized by mood symptoms such as persistent low mood, a lack of ability to experience pleasure, low motivation, feelings of worthless and helplessness, suicidal thoughts, and physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, digestive problems, appetite decrease, and either insomnia or hypersomnia.

Bipolar disorder is NOT: feeling happy one minute, and then being angry or sad the next. That is called MOODINESS.

Bipolar disorder IS: a psychiatric illness characterized by shifts between days or weeks of severe depression (see symptoms of depression above) and days or weeks of mania or hypomania. Symptoms of hypomania include pressured speech (a tendency to speak in a rapid and frenzied way), grandiosity (such as feeling that they are important or have a “special purpose”), inflated self-esteem, decreased need for sleep (NOT the same as insomnia, an inability to sleep), racing thoughts and flight of ideas (looks to us like being unable to stay on the same topic for very long and making tenuous connections between ideas that seem unrelated), being easily distractable, hypersexuality, psychomotor agitation (ex. not being able to stand still, constantly fidgeting), impulsivity, and an increase in pleasurable activities as a result of this impulsivity (such as wreckless driving, shopping sprees, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, gambling, and donating, giving away, or poorly investing money). Mania includes all of these symptoms, and also includes the additional symptoms of psychosis and auditory or visual hallucinations.

ADD and ADHD are NOT: being hyper and talkative.

ADD and ADHD ARE: a neurological disorder whose symptoms include being easily distracted, difficulty concentrating or focusing on one thing for too long, becoming bored easily and needing constant stimulation, blurting out inappropriate things and acting without regard for consequences, becoming confused easily and seems to not be listening when spoken to, struggling to follow instructions, talking nonstop, and having difficulty with doing things like homework completion, doing tasks quietly or that require quiet, sitting still, or completing tasks.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is NOT: liking things done in a specific way, being annoyed when things are out of place, or doing things like not stepping on cracks in the sidewalk or liking things to be paired evenly.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder IS: a neurological disorder which causes intrusive thoughts that cause severe anxiety, uneasiness, and fear; repetitive behaviors, such as repeated hand-washing, are aimed at reducing this anxiety. The intrusive thoughts are commonly centered around ideas such as a fear of contamination, sickness/injury/death of self or loved ones, being “unsafe”, questioning their sexual identity, etc. Common compulsions aimed at reducing the anxiety caused by these thoughts include hand-washing, checking lights, locks, ovens, and windows, only eating certain foods (and sometimes only certain numbers of foods), completing certain tasks that will “prevent” bad things from happening (such as rubbing their hands across the door a certain number of times to prevent their mother from dying, or until it “feels right”), or obsessively staying away from dangerous objects like knives to “prevent” themselves from hurting the people they love (even though they would never actually do such a thing).

Anxiety disorders are NOT: worrying about a test at school, being scared that your boyfriend/girlfriend is going to leave you, or getting nervous before an oral presentation.

Anxiety disorders ARE: a category of neurological and psychological disorders characterized by excessive, uncontrollable, and constant worry. Mental symptoms include severe anxiety related to concerns about everyday matters, such as health issues, money, family problems, friendship and relationship problems, sickness, and school or work difficulties that interfere with the person’s daily functioning. Physical symptoms include irritability, agitation, shortness of breath/hyperventilating, feeling of choking, chest pain, feeling dizzy or lightheaded, nausea, headaches, insomnia, hot or cold flashes, heart palpitations, difficulty swallowing, inability to concentrate, trembling, twitching, muscle tension, fainting, fatigue, fear of losing control or going insane, numbness or tingling in the hands and feet, a desire to escape or get away, panic attacks, paranoia, and a sudden feeling that one is going to die. Some people with severe anxiety also experience derealization or depersonalization, which is a perception disorder characterized by symptoms such as feeling that one is outside of their body (as though they are watching their life like a movie), feeling like they or their environment aren’t “real”, having difficulty being aware of the emotions of themselves or others, or a feeling that they’re “living in a dream”. While this symptom is relatively rare, it can happen to anybody who is prone to severe anxiety; it has also been seen it people with depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, OCD, migraine headaches, sleep deprivation, and epilepsy.

Body dysmorphic disorder is NOT: being self-conscious about the way your body looks. It is also not simply being “vain” or “self-centered”, as many people believe. (Note: BDD is often a precursor to anorexia and bulimia. Many of the people who have anorexia and bulimia also suffer from this disorder.)

Body dysmorphic disorder IS: a somatoform disorder which manifests as an excessive concern and preoccupation with a perceived defect in their physical appearance. Body dysmorphia causes sufferers to believe that they are so disgustingly hideous that they are often partially or completely unable to perform basic tasks such as interact with others socially, go to school/work, do the groceries or other errands, or even hang out with friends out of humiliation and fear of ridicule. Often, the sufferer does not understand that they are sick, and believe that fixing the “deformity” will solve all their problems. Many people with BDD eventually do go on to have plastic surgery - however, even after the surgery, they often feel that their “flaw” continues to be hideously disfiguring, leading many sufferers to continue having operations on this same physical aspect over and over and over again.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. DO NOT SELF-DIAGNOSE BASED ON YOUR OWN INCOMPLETE KNOWLEDGE AND OPINION OF MENTAL ILLNESS. THAT IS WHAT DOCTORS, PSYCHOLOGISTS, PSYCHIATRISTS, AND OTHER MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS ARE FOR. You are contributing to the widely believed cultural stigmas held about mental illnesses in our society.