As the stories of rape and sexual assault within the writing community continue to circulate, I realize that not only is my story a disturbingly common one, but also that many people have very little understanding of 1) what rape and sexual assault actually look like, and 2) the severity of emotional and psychological damage caused by such violence.

It is hard, though, for me to tell you much more about my story because I am still heavily dealing with the emotional and psychological damage. But that’s also why I want to say at least a few words. Victims of rape and sexual assault are so often silenced not only by the public but also by the nature of the trauma they’ve endured. They then appear “emotionally unstable” and their allegations are further discredited, so essentially the damage of the abuse they’ve endured is then used against them to further silence and oppress.  

This summer I wrote an essay that shared a sliver of the abuse I endured while in a relationship with my ex-fiancé, Gregory Sherl, whom several other women publicly came forth about this past winter. I wanted to publicly support those women, who no doubt aided in saving my life and sanity. My essay was well-received and afterwards came pouring in emails and messages from friends, strangers, as well as ex-girlfriends of his, all thanking and supporting me. One woman I did not know told me she was helping a friend leave an abusive marriage and my essay was the final push her friend needed to break free. I don’t think I’ve fully processed the significance of this.

But a few weeks later I had the essay taken down. Not because the essay wasn’t true but because I felt confused. At the time I’m not sure what was happening – I can only look back now and say that it looks like I was still caught in the cycle of abuse. I learned that the cycle doesn’t necessarily end when the relationship does.

A week after my essay went live, I received an email from someone at [email protected]:

“think about child services coming to your home and taking your daughter away. i heard you left her with a so called abusive person. think real hard.”

While I can’t be 100% certain that he wrote this, I did trace the email source to within a 15-mile radius of his parents’ address in Florida, where I am pretty sure he was staying at the time. It affected me more than I wanted it to. I felt guilty. I was hurt. I started thinking about why he would do this, doesn’t he understand? The psychological and emotional control he had over me is very strong. So strong that sometimes “had” still has to be “has.” I fell into a deep depression, and then I began to over-intellectualize as a way to cope with the pain. 

But every time another woman speaks up or a friend reaches out, I become stronger. My story becomes more and more validated. And this past week I found the courage to have my essay made live again. And it feels really good. I need all of your voices, badly. Thank you. 

sweetdreamsyouareverybeautiful:

tw: rape

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